1. You're 5'4", can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.
2. You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit 2 mortadella "sangwiches", 4 oranges and 3 bananas into a regular paper lunch bag.
3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a 76 Monte Carlo.
4. You share a bathroom with your 5 siblings, have no money, but drive a $45,000 Camaro.
5. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent, are all blood relatives.
6. You consider dunking a pack of Stella D'Oro "S" cookies in milk a nutritious breakfast.
7. You live in a 900 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens (one in the basement).
8. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.
9. You are a card-carrying VIP at more than 3 dance clubs.
10. You have at least 5 cousins living on your street. All 5 of those cousins are named after your  grandfather or grandmother.
11. In some capacity, there is a dump truck in your life.
12. A high school diploma and 1 year of community college has earned you the title of "professore" among your aunts.
13. You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.
14. You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.
15. If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 6", it is presumed his mother had an affair.
16. There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.
17. You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked.

Cindy put her hand up and said, "Moooo!"

"Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?"

"Baaaa!" answered Jimmy.

She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?"

All the hands in the class went up. She chose Little Johnny at the back of the class. He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, motha-fuckah!"

Shortly after the new pope is enthroned, the chief rabbi seeks an audience. He is shown into the pope's presence, whereupon he presents him with a silver tray bearing a velvet cushion. On top of the cushion is an ancient, shriveled parchment envelope.

The pope symbolically stretches out his arm in a gesture of rejection.

The chief rabbi then retires, taking the envelope with him and does not return until the next pope is elected. John Paul II was intrigued by this ritual, whose origins were unknown to him. He instructed the best scholars of the Vatican to research it, but they came up with nothing. When the time came and the chief rabbi was shown into his presence, he faithfully enacted the ritual rejection but, as the chief rabbi turned to leave, he called him back.

"My brother," the pope whispered, "I must confess that we Catholics are ignorant of the meaning of this ritual enacted for centuries between us and you, the representative of the Jewish people. I have to ask you, what is it all about?"

The chief rabbi shrugs and replies: "But we have no more idea than you do. The origin of the ceremony is lost in the traditions of ancient history."

The pope said: "Let us retire to my private chambers and enjoy a glass of wine together, then, with your agreement, we shall open the envelope and discover at last the secret."

The chief rabbi agreed. Fortified in their resolve by the wine, they gingerly pried open the curling parchment envelope and with trembling fingers, the chief rabbi reached inside and extracted a folded sheet of similarly ancient paper. As the pope peered over his shoulder, he slowly opened it.

They both gasped with shock.

It was the check for the last supper.

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy." The mother took a deep breath and began,
"When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted.

"I want you to teach me how to make lasagna."

Once upon a time, there was a very wealthy, but very shy, and very lonely, young man, who lived in the country. It so happened that a bridle path went through his back yard. One day, a beautiful young girl rode her horse along the bridle path and through his yard. He fell in love with her on sight, but was too shy to follow her.
          The next day, at the same time, the girl rode past again. Again, the young man was too shy to pursue her. This went on for weeks, and the young man fell ever more deeply in love with her, and his frustration grew, and he cursed his shyness. He decided he must do something; but what? It came to him in a flash; he would paint his horse green, and tie it up by the bridle path; surely the girl would notice this and ask him about it, and he could speak to her! That morning, he painted his horse green, tied it up by the bridle path where the girl was sure to see it, and waited anxiously.
         Sure enough, she rode past; when she saw the horse, she stopped, and, eyes wide, said, "Oh! You have a green horse!"

          The young man said, "Yeah, wanna fuck?"

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?"

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man."

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives."

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary. He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.

Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem;

By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...'"

And Mary says, "Then you're going to have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!"

Two Jewish businessmen meet in a restaurant for a lunch suggested by one of them. The inviter says, "I have a good deal for you. When I was in Florida, I went to the town where the circus stays during the winter. I happened to pick up an elephant. I could let you have it for three thousand dollars."

The other businessman sipped his martini and said, "What am I going to do with an elephant? I live in a condo. I barely have room for my furniture. I can't even squeeze in an end table. So I'm going to buy an elephant?"

The first businessman said, "I could let you have three of them for two grand."

"Oh," said the other, "now you're talking!"

Top Ten Signs You Smoke Too Much

10. In the middle of smoking a cigarette, you pause for a "cigarette break"
9. Your birthday is a state holiday in North Carolina
8. Your title for the Surgeon General: "Captain Bring-down"
7. Cracking your knuckles leaves you winded
6. Morning schedule: Wake up, cough for three hours, take nap
5. In your neighborhood, they give directions by saying, "Go down to the big pile of cigarette butts..."
4. You get mattress fires more often than haircuts
3. You smoke during sex.
2. You refer to nonsmokers as "pink-lunged sissy boys"
1. You explain to the nurse that you didn't realize you were in a "nonsmoking" iron lung

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, "Stick it through that curtain."

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

"That's not a foot!" screams the receptionist.

After school one day Todd, an eager second-grader, came up to his mother and asked, "Mom, what's a pussy?"

Somewhat startled by the question, but directing her answer away from the adult definition, the mother replied, "Son, sometimes people say the word pussy, for short, when they really mean pussycat. You know like Boots, the cat that lives next door. Boots could be called a pussy or better yet, pussycat."

That didn't compute with what Todd heard on the playground that day, but he continued, "Mom, what about a bitch? What is a bitch?"

She pursued her puritanical theme by answering, "Todd, an adult female dog is commonly referred to as a bitch. But Son, where did you hear such words?"

"From the fourth-graders on the playground, Mom," he replied.

"I think you should play with your second-grade friends and stay away from those fourth-graders," the mother stated.

Later, Todd found his dad working in the garage. He went up to his dad and asked, "Dad, what's a pussy?"

The dad contemplated how he should answer this delicate question. Then resolving that an honest question deserves and honest answer, he reached up on the top shelf of his tool bench and took down a copy of the Playboy magazine. He pulled out the centerfold and laid it on the workbench. With a felt-tip pen the dad drew a very tight circle around the vulva of the nude playmate-of-the- month.

Pointing to the centerfold and looking his son square in the eye, the dad said, "Todd, Son, everything inside that little circle is called a pussy!"

"WOW," said Todd as his eyes bugged at the small circle. Now that made more sense about what he heard on the playground that day.

"Dad, what's a bitch" Todd asked?

Things never to say when arguing with a woman

Don't you have some laundry to do, or something?

Ooh, you are so cute when you get all upset.

Wait a minute, I get it... What time of the month is it?

You sure you don't want to consult the great Oprah on this one?

Sorry, I was just picturing you naked.

Whoa, time out honey, Frasier's back.

Looks like someone had an extra bowl of Bitch Flakes this morning.

I could so use some oral sexual stimulation right now.

Hey baby-if I want a lecture about commitment, I can get one from my real wife.